T.V
T.V is a surrealist portrait of my older brother.
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This is its story
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This piece was composed, sketched and thought out while I was on the plane ride home after dropping him off to his 4th rehab center after a fatal overdose. On February 15, my life changed, not because of him, but because I finally woke up to our true relationship and how the dynamics in our family work. We were always told the same few things, fake it til you make it, a good job means a good life, and your siblings will be the most important people in your life. While I agree to a certain extent with these values, we were never taught the true meaning of the phrases and took them at face value. Each element, color, and shadow has been meticulously thought and this page explores the full process from start to its current state.
When you first meet someone the first thing said or asked is their name, following this societal norm, I wanted to introduce you to my brother using his initials! It was always a small long running inside joke with myself that his initials are TV and the thing that connects us the most is the shared love of film and entertainment. For these reasons I knew that a basic Panasonic box TV from the 2000's was the perfect place to start.
Though it's controversial, I used Googles AI image generator to find my starting reference image. My descriptions ranged, and it was a challenge to find a true representation of the TV I imagined in a structure that does not exist. The shelf that the television was placed on represents our "setup" that me and my brother spent hours in the basement staring at. This was truly the most challenging and morally confusing part of this entire piece. I found it important to use AI as my brother is one of the biggest defenders of it. I have my own opinions on the matter but it does not negate the fact that he was always technologically in the loop. One of the funniest early memories I have is my brother at around 10 years old telling my dad he's an idiot for not investing in bitcoin (crazy how right he was). From Minecraft mods to the evolution of AI, he always wanted to keep me informed on what was going on.
The complex and uninformed shadows show the roller coaster that is our life. Drugs can do many things, the most prominent being mood swings, complicated emotions, and bipolar states. i wanted them to include a large range of tertiary colors to represent all the different lights he goes through. some days we go on a random trip to Disney and the next i'm wondering when the next time ill hear his voice is. While we has a "good childhood" we were never taught how to communicate, always taught to cry alone, and always given judgement with truth. "If you're smiling you're ok" is what we were always told, but the emotions within always radiate. All of the colors and and fake lights are always behind what wants to shine through and the radiating red distracts our eyes because we know something is hiding within the black walls.
Media has always been the focus of our relationships. Growing up we loved going to broadway shows, singing duets, watching movies and playing games. We would sit for hours on the Wii fighting over who's winning and sining our hearts out to Simon Cowell on the American Idol game (sweet dreams and my heart will go on were the go to). These are simultaneously my favorite memories and the ones that are the most lost. As we grew up we grew apart, we still share music and what we are watching but the excitement of togetherness has fleeted. The charcoal sketch allowed me to see what to erase. I was faced with what i truly remember and what remained important to us. Im not sure if its little sister syndrome, the drugs or that it was never important but in recent years our tastes have changed, i want to enjoy the music while he wanted to enjoy the party. What began as an awesome sister brother duet turned into a sister listening to music alone and a brother who does not appreciate the songs he can sing. While i do regret not showing up for concerts he invited me to, i do wish i could have shown up knowing we should arrive and get home safe without any triggers or set backs. We can no longer just "go see a show" and i wish i could live in his head believing that every event will be ok, but i am haunted knowing a space with a lot of people and an easy exit means relapse.